not an excuse, but a reason

Hormones can make me feel crazy.  Hear me clearly, I know hormones are not an excuse to be crazy, but it's nice to have a reason for feeling not myself.

I read the other day that when you are pregnant, your estrogen and progesterone levels are soaring at an all time high.  Then literally within minutes of delivering your baby, both estrogen and progesterone (which are responsible for producing your body's "feel good" molecules, endorphins) plummet to the ground.  Not to mention, the hormone your body produces when you nurse your child, prolactin, suppresses your estrogen and progesterone levels to make you more or less like a menopausal woman.  During the first few weeks postpartum, your prolactin levels are at an all time high.  The article I was reading (and I should probably find it to quote) likened the first few weeks of postpartum "baby blues" to the worst case of PMS you've ever had.

So the way this plays out in real life over the past few days is that I literally cannot let myself see, hear, think about anything that is remotely sad or even things that aren't sad that could be considered sad.  Also things that are "scary."  No scary allowed.

Examples.  (Note, these are meant to be funny because looking back, they are.  So like, even though you might be tempted to feel sorry for me, just try to laugh with me cause I' definitely "laughing" at myself.)

During Henry's Sesame Street episode this morning, Elmo and his friends were singing "Goodbye Binky" to their pacifiers because they were all grown up and not babies anymore- so it was time to give up the paci.  Not sad.  In fact, I think I remember watching that when I was pregnant and thinking it was totally lame.  Not today.  I had to keep myself from tearing up.

Also, I saw a picture of a puppy cuddling w/ another bigger, dog - I could have burst into tears.  Not to mention that last night that dreaded Sarah McLaughlin commercial about the abandoned, neglected animals came on TV, and I immediately made Matt change the channel.  I think the only "safe" thing on TV these days is ESPN.

Henry threw his toy hammer at me this morning, and when it hit me in the face I got angry with him and wanted to discipline him, but when I tried I just started crying instead.

While I was in the hospital, I was about to go to sleep and the light above my bed would not turn off.  The nurse had to call a technician to come fix it, and I literally started balling uncontrollably.  "Why can't the light just turn off?" I asked, as I sobbed unashamedly in front of two nurses and Matt, who I am sure was totally embarrassed.

And don't get me started with ACTUAL sad things.  (Not that abandoned puppies aren't really sad.)  But you know, real people's "real life" sadness... I can't even mention the examples here.

Anyway, after last pregnancy, I didn't really believe in hormones.  I mean, I knew they were real and that I could get a little crabby during that "time of the month," but I didn't give them much more credit than that.  So I literally thought I was going insane w/ the ups and downs, highs and lows that the first few postpartum months can bring.  It's nice to do it again a second time without feeling totally crazy and guilty for the hormonal roller coaster. 

And also, it's nice to know that God is the one who controls my hormones, who decided that this is how my body would work, and whose strength is stronger than my crazy, crazy hormones.  So when I have to face the sad or the scary, He is strong for me.

How is it already December 21st?