So after we taught our 7 minute lesson (see my previous post), we got 2-3 minutes of criticism. I knew what my criticism would be before I got it - no, not because I am a prophet or a telepathic - but because it is something that I deal with on a daily basis. I won't lie, I even tried to cover it up beforehand, but (Praise Jesus) they saw through me. People in my community group have given me similar criticism, too.
Basically when I teach, it is crystal clear to everyone that I lack confidence (not self-confidence), even though the words I speak are true and from the Lord. Essentially what they told me in my teaching lab was (1) that I need to let my personality shine through in my teaching, instead of just giving a speech, because my personality will be able to reach certain personalities in an audience that other personalities cannot reach. This is why God made us unique. (2) That I need to be confident with who I am in Christ and trust that if he has given me a word to speak that he will use it.
Here's the deal - this isn't something that I only deal with when I teach. It just comes to the surface when I teach. But I can also feel this insecurity in other situations - like when I am around certain people, etc. I believe that it is sin and that it is there because I have not fully trusted in Christ's love for me. 1 John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love because perfect love casts out fear...whoever fears has not been perfected in love."
So on Sunday when I was trying to cover up this insecurity, what I actually got was rebuke #1, that my personality didn't really come out in my teaching. This is rooted in my rebuke #2, which is that I need to be confident in who Christ has made me... they figured me out.
Let me say this. For about a year at the end of high school and beginning of college, I can honestly say that I walked with my eyes steadfastly fixed on Jesus, in the fear of the Lord, in the comfort of the holy Spirit, trusting in his love. And then I think that God, wanting to increase my faith, sort of shook some of the false foundations that I was unconsciously trusting in - like my family and my good grades, among a lot of other things. I wish I could say that I continued to trust in Jesus' love alone when those things were shaken, but that wasn't exactly the case. Instead, new areas of my heart that need restoration and transformation and to just trust him were exposed.
And so that leads me to now, and to be honest, I've been sort of frustrated. Before I went to teach yesterday, I was preaching truth at myself, "God's word never returns empty, God wants to use me, This teaching belongs to God and is for his glory, not for me, etc, etc," but still it seems no matter how many times I have told myself, I still give way to fear. Here's what the Lord showed me as I took these things before him, He has to change me. Every time the Lord has worked mightily in my life is when I've said, "I can't do it; you are going to have to do it." I had to say that for my salvation, for my deliverance from some major strongholds, and now for deliverance from these fears. Lord, work, or I'm hopeless! That is why I continue to love these verses...
Isaiah 64:4 - From of old no one has heard or perceived by the ear, no eye has seen a God besides you, who acts for those who wait for him.
Isaiah 30:15 - This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength..."
If you think about it would you pray for me about these things? God will surely do it.
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