running is fun?

Matt loves to run.  I have often found this super annoying in our relationship because well, frankly, I always felt like I "should" run, and to be honest, I have wished I loved it and I have often resented how much he likes it.

Well, I don't resent that he likes it, but I have resented the fact that when it comes to his decision to go running, there is no effort needed, no willpower, and no surge of negative emotions to overcome in order to do it.

So when we do run together, Matt says to me, "We run because it's fun."  (Super annoying when I am huffing and puffing.)  And usually I respond by kicking him.

I can think of several reason why I have negative emotions related to running.

- The first time I remember being required to run in the traditional sense (i.e. not chasing a ball), it was a timed mile in elementary school... not that there's anything wrong with this, but since I wasn't particularly fast, my achiever (A+) ego was probably hurt a little bit.
- My next experiences with running were ALWAYS for punishment and or were dreaded in general.  This was in junior high.  I remember dreading our athletics period all day long if I knew we were going to have to run that day.
- Ditto for high school.  Running was a punishment.  Horses at the end of basketball practice if you miss your free throws, or some sort of track drill for the whole entire girls athletics block for bad behavior on the part of one or two people.

So, it's no wonder I didn't actually enjoy running until I did it voluntarily.  I remember the feeling of achievement and that first runner's high feeling I got when I was 18 (ten years ago) and I ran 6 miles for the first time.  It really was addicting.

But what started as something fun to accomplish ("a want to"), quickly turned to a "should" and a "have to."  Why?  Because I started to associate running with weight management, and that my friends, is just sad.

Over the past three months I have been on a little journey with respect to food and my body image.  I've been determined to free myself from the perils of dieting and a negative body image, mainly because I see what a hindrance it has been for me with respect to actually having a life.

Anyway, part of this journey has included ditching the scale and ditching the self-monitoring of calories, fat grams, carbs, etc, and ditching any "dieting" beliefs, thoughts, practices in general.  The other part of this journey has been changing the way I think about exercise.

Since exercise really isn't effective for weight loss, I have stopped trying to use "weight loss" as a reason to do it.  Funny, I actually enjoy moving my body WAY more now than I did three months ago when exercise was required to feel good about myself.

Which gets me back to the point of this little post, and that is... I have realized what Matt has been talking about all these years.  Running is the reward.  Running is actually very enjoyable, and it makes you feel like a million bucks (not only after you're finished, but during the run).

It's sad that I spent so many years dreading something that is actually enjoyable in and of itself. This is what happens, I suppose, when our activities just become the means to an end.  We forsake the present happiness for the future.  And, personally, I think that's lame.

On another completely unrelated note, Sam is 16 months old today!!  I will post some pics and an update sometime soon. :)