LIES, LIES, LIES

I feel as though it is my duty to inform those of you who may be... well, misinformed, about some of the supposed "perks" of pregnancy.

If you don't want to hear a pregnant person "grumble" about weight gain, then go ahead and move on from this post. Though I will argue that I am not grumbling, only informing. (I admittedly wonder where all the weight I've gained actually is, but I promise I am not complaining.) I do realize that I wanted to be pregnant, and I would not change that. (Though adoption suddenly seems like an amazing alternative to pregnancy. :) ) Okay on with it...

Many of you may believe that if you are pregnant, you can eat whatever you want (without feeling guilty). WOW, seems like a major perk! Sign me up for that!!

I understand the logic because, at one time, I thought it worked this way. You think that since you're losing your waist anyway that it doesn't matter if you eat like a total pig. You also think you need to do some sort of extra work to fatten up that baby.

This is all totally false. For one, the baby will really just take what he needs. Then your body will take what you need, and then the rest will be deposited in your fat cells, just as it would if you were not pregnant. Yeah, you may hide it a little more than you would if you didn't have a uterus the size of a basketball, but that just means more fat after the baby is delivered.

And like I have explained before, the child doesn't need much to survive. You only need 100 additional calories in the first trimester, 250 in the second, and 300 in the 3rd, according to Dr. Oz.

Let me put that in perspective. In the first trimester, you can eat an extra BANANA each day. In the second trimester, you can add a plain bagel (and be careful because a lot of bagels can be even 300-500 calories with no cream cheese), and in the 3rd trimester, you can go ahead an add a cup of light ice cream. Yippee.

ALSO, don't forget that you do WEIGH IN at the doctor every four weeks for the first 32 weeks, and then every two weeks after that. You're supposed to gain a little less than a pound a week from the second trimester on (though it does vary).

True story: I ate the healthiest I have ever eaten in my life (never depriving myself of course) in the middle of my second trimester. Of course, I was exercising and eating really healthy, so my non-pregnancy logic made me feel as though I should have at LEAST only gained two lbs (instead of 4) in those four weeks, or I should have maintained my weight or something! Right? I mean, I DID NOT DESERVE TO GAIN THE WHOLE 4 POUNDS, right?

Wrong! At the top of my game, my body did exactly what it was supposed to and I gained exactly the number of LBs that I was supposed to gain. The doctor actually complimented me on my weight gain at that appointment. (Uh, thanks?)

Well, this wasn't fun for me, so after that checkup, I reverted back to the false pregnancy logic. And from my last appointment to the one I had Monday, I basically said, "Well screwwww that! If I am going to gain weight anyway, then I'm eating whatever I want."

Result? On Monday, I had gained about 2 pounds more than I was supposed to. Doctor's response, "That's about par for the course over Thanksgiving." Translation: "You may have had one too many pieces of pumpkin pie."

Lest you think that two pounds is no big deal, I'd like you to remember that if I gained 2 extra pounds every four weeks of my entire pregnancy, then I'd end up putting on 20 more pounds than I was supposed to by the end of it.

Moral of this true personal story: You cannot eat whatever you want when you are pregnant. At least not without some tangible consequences (we call those consequences "LB"s). I realize that some of you are disregarding this information and don't really believe me... you can call me when you get pregnant and tell me that you are sorry.

And while we are on the subject, I'd like to go ahead and let you know that Matt thinks it is funny that it's very likely that I will pass him on the scale before the Hankster arrives. He taunts me. Is he evil or what? Should I secretly add a lot of butter to everything I make him for the next 11 weeks? Probably.