leah goes to the dentist (continued)

Note: Read part 1 first. And do I really need to tell you that? You are smart enough to know.

So...I've lived with an aversion to "the dentist" since I got my first cavity, probably while I still had my baby teeth. Lord knows the dentists have never had an aversion to me; when I go to visit, it's like they are getting their semiannual bonus. They LOVE me at the dentist.

This relationship sort of explains the last 2 months of my life in which they constantly pursued me and I just ran away. You see, I had my semi-annual cleaning scheduled in February at the same dentist I've been going to since 8th grade. I really didn't feel like going to the dentist in February, so I canceled my appointment.

I kid you not that I have been "missing" an average of 2-3 phone calls a week since February. And then the unthinkable: I ran into my dental hygienist at H-E-B on Monday. On Tuesday, I missed another call. So, I took the little hint from God, and finally called yesterday to make a cleaning and x-ray appointment for today.

When I got there this morning, my hygienist told me that when she saw me on the schedule, she and the dental assistant who had been calling had a minor battle over who should get the credit for the fact that I finally booked my appointment. It sort of makes me wonder if the dentist has some sort of deal with them - like if they can get people with "problem teeth" to come in, they get commission or something.

It really wouldn't be a bad idea because like I said before, when I go to the dentist, it's not a matter of whether or not something will be wrong with my mouth, but about what is going to be wrong with it this time, and how much it is going to cost.

Today, while my hygiene report was good, they still found cavities problems. Usually these "problems" lead the dentist to ask me (EVERY single time I see him) if I am still wearing this splint that I got in 10th grade to protect my teeth from grinding while I sleep. Until this time, I have always answered, "Yes, but I think I take it out subconsciously in my sleep." But this time I told the truth... almost all of it.

I was never good about wearing that thing, but over the years I have had phases of compliance. Anyway, two years ago after I broke one of my fillings from grinding so much, I decided that I was going to start using it regularly... except first, it needed to be cleaned.

So I, being the genius that I am, cannot be satisfied just cleaning it with the typical sanitizer. Instead I decide that I need to put it in boiling water to clean it. Um, it's made of hard plastic. Der. So, naturally, it shrunk, and I said goodbye to the expensive splint that was fitted perfectly for my tiny little teeth. I tried to go to Walgreen's and get the kind that you form to your teeth by yourself, but I found it's effectiveness lacking.

So when the dentist saw signs of rather intense teeth grinding, he was faithful to ask, "Do you still wear your splint every night?"

"Um, no." (Leave it at that. Does he really need to know that I'm a total idiot?)

"No?"

"It's gone."

"The dog ate it, huh?"

"Yep."

Then I got a lecture, and they actually think it's MORE urgent for me to get a splint than it is for me to get my cavities filled other problems fixed, if that tells you anything. I'm afraid that they are afraid that I am going to lose my teeth, and to be honest, I think Matt is right there with them; he "jokes" that all of my teeth will be gone by the time I am 35.

So, long story short, I received a lovely piece of paper with the suggested treatments and the cost of the treatments and was told that the teeth grinding issue was urgent. Let's just say that paying for my teeth won't be an issue, but there wasn't exactly an allowance in the newly revised budget for my million-dollar mouth. Okay, okay, it's not millions.

Before we parted, the dentist told me that he would rather me put him out of business with my perfect teeth than have to keep getting expensive treatments for the rest of my life. And just when I was starting to feel good about contributing to his welfare...

Stay tuned for information about how you can donate to the cause of my million-dollar mouth.

And I hope that you know that last sentence was a joke, but just in case... that was a joke. Happy Thursday!